Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Not a Succubus

“Chet, listen to me.”

“I am listening to you.” Chet jackhammered his index finger on the “B” button. The Gatling Stake Gun roared.

“No, Chet. Put down the controller and listen to me.” Jason picked up the TV remote.

“Turn that off and I will END you.”

“Goddammit Chet, this is important.”

“I’m listening to you. Talk.” He tilted the controller to the right and hit a rapid combination of buttons. “Shit.”

“Fine. Whatever." He ran his hand through his hair. "Listen, Janine is a succubus, Chet. She’s a damned succubus.”

“I know. She’s a real bitch.”

“No, she’s not a bitch … I mean, yes she’s a bitch, but she’s also a succubus. An honest-to-God succubus. I went over to Chris’s apartment, and I saw them on the couch through the window, and I thought they were making out. She looked like she was kissing him. But then I saw his face, and he just had this glazed look in his eyes. She wasn’t kissing him, man, she was literally sucking … something … out of him. She pulled away a little, and there was like a mist, a blue mist or something, coming out of him, and she was sucking it out.”

Chet jackhammered the “B” button again.

“Aren’t you going to say something?” Jason paced behind the couch.

“That’s not a succubus.”


“That is not a succubus.”

“No, she IS a succubus. I saw her sucking his goddamned SOUL out!”

“That’s not a succubus, dude.” Chet pushed hard right on the controller and leaned with it. “Succubi just have sex with you and use you up; they don’t suck your soul. Just ‘cause their name starts with ‘suc’ doesn’t mean they suck things out of you.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Sounds like a strigoaica.”

“A what?”

“A strigoaica. They’re like vampire witches, but they don’t suck blood. They steal life force, usually from just cows and stuff.”

Jason blinked.

“OK, fine. She’s a strigica, but that doesn’t …”

“StrigOAICA .”

“Whatever! Fine! So what do we do about it?”

“You should have killed her.”

“How do we do that?”

“Gotta do it when they’re feeding. Get ‘em in their hearts. Probably done feeding now.” He pulled back on the controller and brought it into his gut, then shoved it forward. The hunter blasted a light ray through three ragged vampires. "Yeah, beeeeeatches!"



“Goddamn you suck, Chet. You really suck. You’re the friggin’ succubus.”

Chet paused the game and set the controller down. He stood and faced Jason.

“Succubi are girls. I’m a guy. I’d be an INcubus. But of course that’s ignoring the one, the primary stinking fact that I’ve already established, and that is that SUCCUBI DON’T SUCK PEOPLE!”

Jason stormed into the kitchen. He grabbed a carving knife from the block and marched out the front door, slamming it behind him.

Chet picked up his controller. “TWO knives, brah,” he mumbled. “They got TWO hearts.”


  1. Great dialigue bouncing between these two guys, Chet really knows his stuff when it comes to the nasty visitors too.

  2. I love this - brilliant dialogue and very entertaining.

  3. The Darkstalkers cartoon had one of my all-time favorite miscommunications:

    "She's a succubus."
    "She sure does."

    Any chance you ever saw that? Felt relevant. Regardless, I enjoyed their succubi babble.

  4. Lol. I loved the line "You should have killed her, dude." Like it was an errand he forgot to do.


  5. @Steve&Joely: Thanks! Definitely a dialogue piece. I wonder if a little more description would help the pace a little.

    @John: Never saw that one before, but I'm going to hunt it down.

    @Tate: Chet's a bit of a d-bag, eh?

  6. Giggles from my desk....great dialogue. The end was a real kicker. Fun story!

  7. The casual hunter is awesome. Not looking up from the game to give advice. Though I've always seen it as strigoi o,.,o Cool tale.

  8. @laradunning: Glad you liked it! It was longer at first, included some actual action at the scene, but I just had waaaay more fun with the roommates bickering, so I axed the rest.

    @Raven: Yeah, I had it as strigoi first, then did a quick search, and a couple folks said the feminine form was "strigoaica". I must admit, I'm no expert on it.

  9. Ha, I like this, good flow, good dialogue, good ending. =)

  10. Great dialogue, I like how nonchalant Chet is about the whole situation and how stressed Jason becomes.

  11. @John: Thanks! I'm glad you thought it worked.

    @AidanF: Glad the emotions came through. Thanks for reading!